Sometimes, things don't turn out the way you plan them... And then, sometimes they do.

A few examples of this: When Ian and I got married 6 1/2 years ago, we thought we'd wait about 5 years to have kids.  This was pretty much our standard line, since from the moment we got engaged (at 18 years of age, no less!) everyone was breathing down our necks about kids. We also said we wanted 4 kids. That part is still yet to be determined as we are not done having kids, but I think I can safely say we won't have 4!

Now, once we started creeping up around the 3 and 4 year mark, I started thinking there may be a part of me that may not want kids. Ever. Funny to think about now, but I was honestly scared to death that Ian would want nothing to do with me if I was serious about this whole not-having-kids thing. Lucky for me, I was reassured to the contrary... He told me that he didn't marry me to have kids, he married me for me; but that sneaky devil knew I'd change my mind. (not that I think he would have divorced me, but he's a smart one, that husband of mine!)

Fast forward to around December of '08, January of '09. My biological clock started ticking. My uterus literally started aching. My heart felt like it just wasn't quite complete. And when did this start happening?  Right after our 5 year anniversary. That's when I knew it was time to kick it into Mommy Gear. And here I am today. We got pregnant with Ella almost exactly a year ago, she was born before 2009 was over!

Those are examples of things in my life happening the way I planned them to. The things that I hadn't planned are things that are happening right now.

I hadn't planned on the fierce love and protection I would feel for my child. I've heard other moms talk about it, but you don't really understand until you become a mother.

I had planned on going back to work full time, thinking it would be a piece of cake. After all, I'm not the kind of person who would even want to be a stay at home mom, right? Wrong. While I have gone back to work as planned (not quite full time, but about 35 hours a week), I 'm not quite as satisfied with this as I thought I would be. Nothing I can do about it at the moment, but when we have a 2nd child, I will for sure not work as much! Being a mother to Ella is much more fulfilling than anything else I can think of doing.

I had planned to breastfeed. Ella decided to the contrary, and while I'm still pumping my milk, she has always had formula as well. Part of me feels like a failure as a mom, while part of me (the logical part) knows  that my child is healthy and happy, and growing extremely well, so what's the problem, you ask?

I'm the problem. I'm OCD with things going the way I want them to, and for the most part, they do. But when things get away from me... You can only imagine the consequences for whoever is involved. I usually beat myself up from the inside out, and I need to stop doing that. I also need to be a little nicer to my husband and not take so much out on him. I know this, and eventually I WILL get better about it. Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

Sorry to have such a lengthy post, but it does feel good to tell a little bit of my story. I know there will be much frustration and heartache in the road ahead as a mother, but I can't wait for every minute of it. :)